"Let's play a game. I say that the universe was created by a fork. Now, the reason that this fork created the universe was because it wanted to create other forks in its image. And it did so. But first, it created a race of semi-intelligent primates to serve the forks every need: to cover them in rich, creamy foods and gently massage them with their mouths and afterwards to treat them to hot foamy baths. "

-- Phopaw

Main Street Metaline Falls.
Mid-afternoon.

Phopaw is sitting on the trunk of his car. Stik Mann emerges from the doorway of Heidi's Tavern. He approaches Phopaw.

Phopaw: Stik.

Stik Mann: Pho

Phopaw: Good food. Good beer.

Stik Mann: So far so good....I think we'll discover wonderous things tonight.

Phopaw: The other night, I typed God.com in my browser and got the message "a connection with the server could not be established." I guess it I was naive to think I'd be able to sneak around the cosmic shroud using Internet Explorer.

Stik Mann: I'd assume that in order to get to God.com you'd first have to go through Jesus.com....It's a nice little town, isn't it? Metaline Falls.

Phopaw: Very nice

Stik Mann: The mountains....The river....

Phopaw: It's very beautiful....How can you believe in a God who lets His children suffer?

Stik Mann: Yes, very beautiful.

Phopaw: Pretend I'm Satan.

Stik Mann: Get thee from behind me.

Phopaw: You watch. I'll ask you to define God and you'll give me something written on a T-shirt.

Stik Mann: [Reading from his T-shirt] Number one: any of various beings conceived of as supernatural, immortal, and having special powers over the lives and affairs of people and the course of nature; deity, esp. a male deity. Number two: an image that is worshiped; idol. Number three: a person or thing deified or excessively honored and admired in monotheistic religions, the creator and ruler of the universe, regarded as eternal, infinite, all-powerful, and all-knowing; Supreme Being; Almighty.

Phopaw: Weakling. Am I debating Stik Mann or Webster? Define God (and don't forget I'm the Prince of Darkness).

Stik Mann: Nice try, Evil One. I give you a perfectly fine definition and you reject it, then you bid me - a puny earth creature made of dirt - to come up with something better than "eternal, infinite, all-powerful, and all-knowing." Surely anything I could add would be engulfed by any of those categories.

Phopaw: All-good is conspicously absent from your definition. It's an old argument, but one without a satisfactory answer: so tell me, puny earth creature, if the god you say exists is all-powerful and all-knowing, is this god also omniscient?

Stik Mann: I sense a trap, O Wily One. You haven't changed much since you told Eve, "Ye shall surely not die." But, sharing Eve's earthliness, I'll bite....You ask: "...is this god also omniscient?" Again, thanks to the inadequate Webster: Omniscience - having infinite knowledge; knowing all things - this too would surely also be in included in The Definition....But, cut to the chase, O Harrasser of Stockboys, what you really want to ask is "If God is All-Knowing and All-Good, how could He allow evil to exist?"

Phopaw: And the answer is?

Stik Mann: Listen, Death Breath, I've been on to you for years: you'd would love to see me climb atop my ointment box and beat the big black book, and I'm tempted (duh) to do it just to rub your nose in it.
But, I'll not be indulging either of us today....Still, the question is a serious one and deserves serious debate....But first, I need to know who I'm debating: are you really Satan, the embodiment of all Evil, the Lead Instigator of the War in Heaven? If this is the case, I'm forced to merely rebuke you - on general principles. Or are you the Satan with the pitchfork and horns, the one that kids dress up like on Halloween?

Phopaw: Don't try to turn the tables on me, Stickboy. You say God exists; I say prove it.

Stik Mann: Prove what? Prove that birds fly? Prove that the universe is filled with unimaginable wonders? Prove that that universe put together a few shovelfuls of dirt in such a way that it's able to stand on the main street of Metaline Falls and debate? Prove that these things are not proof of God. You're the one who turned the tables by changing the subject of the debate to the outrageous claim that "God does not exist." Support your outrageous claim.

Phopaw: Touchy, touchy. Anger is a sin, you know....It's easy to prove that birds fly. I look up and I see a bird flying. But that doesn't prove anything other than a bird can fly....It's not so easy to prove that the universe if filled with unimaginable wonders. That's perception. Hot fudge sundaes provide you pleasure; they make me break out in little sores. Reality is subjective, and so is your second proof....Your first argument is pointless. Your second argument is invalid. Your God has clay feet....Perhaps I should quit now and go back to planning special torture chambers for stock brokers and other lecherous boneheads.

Stik Mann: It's easy to prove that God exists. I look up and I see a God existing. But that doesn't prove anything other than a God exists....I have no argument with you that reality is subjective. One person can look at a photograph from the Hubble Telescope and see something wonderful, something he's never imagined before; and another person will say, "Whoa, dude, that looks like my cat."....Your third "refutation" of my three proofs that God exists seems to be missing. Could you refresh my memory? You see, the universe somehow came together to create my brain out of dirt. I guess the glitches are still being worked out.

Phopaw: By your rules, I can make any preposterous claim I please and say that it is true until you disprove it....Let's play a game. I say that the universe was created by a fork. Now, the reason that this fork created the universe was because it wanted to create other forks in its image. And it did so. But first, it created a race of semi-intelligent primates to serve the forks every need. To cover them in rich, creamy foods and gently massage them with their mouths and afterwards to treat them to hot foamy baths.

dewD and Arp step from the front door of Heidi's and enter the scene.

Phopaw: How do I know that a fork created the universe?
It's easy to see that fork exists, I look in my silverware drawer and I see fork existing. I see that the universe came together to create forks out of dirt. I look around me and I see fork slaves everywhere....Okay, Twigman, prove me wrong.

Stik Mann: Um...

Arp Xigar: GOD-Yes
GOD-Nooooooooooo
Ooooooo....Oooooooooooooooo
Who cares? Why should we. So what, etc.
Blah,blah,blah. Blah,blah,blah. Blah,blah,blah.

A flower proves there is a god.
A flower proves nothing.
A flower is...

All the foundations of all the arguments really deal with the final question: "Will I live after I die." Answer: no.

Noooooo....Oooooooooooooooo

Prove me wrong. Come back after you die and I will apologize.

dewD: Or, look at it this way: Say god has a name, like "Big Spanky"....I don't believe in Big Spanky.

Stik Mann: Say God has a name like "You're all alone on a stormy sea clinging to a broken mast". You believe in "You're all alone on a stormy sea clinging to a broken mast".

dewD: I don't believe in "you're all alone in a stormy sea clinging to a broken mast." No, I believe in my own "wretched, twisted, cold Mr. Fisted, pole of a normal man - rich man - dumb man - atom tan - running over Dan, with my Big Cadillac."

Stik Mann: Oh.

dewD: And that's a fact.

Phopaw: Let's go camping.

Arp Xigar: We're all gonna die.

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