April 6, 2000: Condom Contamination

By Mike Crother

Humbolt, AZ.

Is overpopulation pollution? Ronald L. Gauge, a former CEO of Latexecutive Condoms, doesn't think so. Gauge was fired recently from his CEO post for secretly planting freeze-dried sperm on non-spermicide condoms, sources report, which may have affected as many as 400,000 thousand condoms distributed in the Pacific Northwest and Canada back in the Spring of 1998.

"Gauge was CEO and VP of Latexecutive from 1989 to December of 1999, and had reportedly tainted as many as 400,000 condoms with his sperm," the May Issue of the New England Journal of Reproduction reports. "The Latexecutive Board of Trustees, fearing retrobution for Gauges behaviors, withheld information since December until key trustee members could sell-off all of their Latexecutive stocks."

"Gauge's behavior is not representative of Latexecutive, which uses only the finest materials for the construction of their condoms," says current Latexecutive CEO and former VP Horman Holssen. "What Gauge did affected only about 4% of the condoms produced between February and May of 1998."

Louise Smith, Ph. D. of Texas State has studied the use of freeze-dried sperm (FDS)on primate surrogate mothers, and has found that in most cases, "the sperm doesn't wake up." However, Smith estimates that the use of FDS works about one in ten times with females near gestation.

"I think the reprocussions of such behavior could be enormous," tells Smith. "Ballpark figures indicate the guy could be a father of nearly 40,000 kids across the globe. The man likely has a 'God' complex."

Holssen says the condoms were distributed to Pacific Northwest retailers but declined to mention which retail stores were affected. An FBI investigation is underway.

"We can neither confirm nor deny the presence of the tainted condoms in the Pacific Northwest area," said Chief Investigator Greg Muhrdock. "An investigation is underway to determine whether Gauge and his associates had any real affect on the population."

Gauge reportedly worked with at least three other vice presidents and production staff to create the FDS condoms.