First the good news: The universe seems to be in pretty good shape.
Stars are born. Stars grow cold. Galaxies whirlpool and are gulped up by black
holes. It's universal status
quo, as it's been for eons, and
probably will be for eons more.
But, in one of those billions of galaxies, near one of that
billions of stars, on a tiny, mostly water-covered rock called Earth, there's trouble
There, during the last of the aforementioned eons, as incredible as it
may seem, bits of the universe had somehow
pieced itself together in such a way as to be able to look back at
itself. Many of these star creatures did indeed look back and
marvel. Still, some did not look back.
Those downward-looking life forms seem to
be behind this mess.
"May you live in interesting times."
-- Chinese curse
A few days after the terrorist attacks, I sent a letter to The
Spokesman-Review concerning Bush's use of the word "crusade"
in describing the coming war. They didn't print it. Later, I sent this
letter to The Local Planet. They ended up printing only the part I sent to
the Review (which I asked them not to do, since Bush had
already apologized for it). I thought the letter was better.
[Note: I also started writing a letter about Bush's use of the
term "Infinite Justice." But I'll be damned if he didn't apologize for
that before I finished the letter.]
The First Time I
Laughed Post-Sept 11
It was during the final, "dog-that-climbs-trees story" on one of the local
newscasts: A store had painted a three-acre
large American flag on its roof. It
was hailed by the media as an amazingly patriotic undertaking. But it struck me as an odd,
if not outright ignorant, thing to do
-- just days after we'd just been
bombed. I have faith that there were at least a few employees there who were wishing the
name of the store was Bob's Hardware -- instead of Target.
"If everyone is thinking alike then somebody
-- George S. Patton
"I am sitting on my couch, where I’ve been sitting for the past week and
a half, stunned and numb from watching great buildings crash and burn, over and
this paranoiac state I wrote How I
Helped George W. Bush Take Over the World by Imitating a Cow.
"War is how we learn geography."
-- some guy downtown
About that "Infinite
The Bush team said they changed the name of the operation from "Infinite
Justice" to "Enduring Freedom" so as not to offend Muslims, who
believe that only God dispenses infinite justice. My question: Where were all of
the Christians and Jews? Why were they not waving their arms and shouting, "Hey,
what about us? We believe it too!"
After Bush's press secretary publicly scolded Bill Maher (of the
show Politically Incorrect), I sent this Letter to
the Editor of The Spokesman-Review. One member of the editorial
staff wrote back and said the letter was 50 words over the 250 limit, and gave
me the option of editing it myself, or having her do it. Being convinced that the
S-R ed staff was stifling criticism of Bush, I certainly asked her to do it,
thereby having the opportunity of later printing the original letter, as well as
butchered version, thus documenting their bias. She foiled my scheme by
retaining the main points and even the attitude of my letter. Damn. Here's what
they printed. (But I still think the original was better.)
"Human beings will generally exercise power when they
can get it, and they will exercise it most undoubtedly in popular governments
under pretense of public safety."
-- Daniel Webster
Satan in Smoke of Burning Tower?
Many viewers spotted the face of the Devil in an AP photo (to the right) of one of the burning
towers. Closer examination (below) reveals it not to be the Prince of
Darkness, but in fact the mask that would be between the Comedy/Tragedy masks if
in fact there was such a mask.
Almighty God...give me liberty or give me death!"
-- Patrick Henry
I print the above quote because I've read it a thousand times; but it seems strangely different now.
Subtlety Need Not Apply
Texas homeland security chief David Dewhurst purchased a full-color, four-page
advertisement in Texas Monthly magazine featuring a military officer standing in
front of a large American flag. The caption read: "As chairman of the
Governor's Task Force on Homeland Security, David Dewhurst encourages you to
support President Bush and the brave men and women of our Armed Forces as they
fight to eliminate terrorism and work to restore confidence in our
economy." But, the military officer depicted was a member of the German
Luftwaffe, sporting German military decorations and insignias.
I Ain't Packin' Yet, but...
Those strange flappin' and buzzin' sounds you're hearin' is from all us liberals
rereadin' and reconsiderin' that there Second Amendment.
Stik Mann: Did you know that just a few months ago,
Bush was giving $43 million to the Taliban for reducing the cultivation of opium
James: Well, I --
Stik Mann: And we knew, at the time, that the Taliban had a
horrible human rights record -- and that they were harboring terrorists from all
over the world.
Stik Mann: Doesn't this mean that the U.S.
government is guilty of supporting a country that supports terrorism?
James: Dad, are you suggesting that we bomb
Stik Mann: No. But we should surrender.
"The best defense is a global offense."
-- President Bush
I dreamed (10/13) that an evil tyrant had gained control of
America (not Bush, this guy was really bad). The true patriots rebelled, flying the American flag upside down-- a
sign of distress -- as the symbol of their struggle. Having succeeded in
they raised their inverted flag above the White House. Then they immediately lowered it,
read aloud the Declaration of
Independence, and raised it again (click flag).
I sent this letter to The Local
Planet, regarding the extent of the War on Terrorism. (The parts they edited
out are in italics.) Here's what they
The Second Time I Laughed
Local public news station KSFC was broadcasting Bush's news conference, 10/9,
when it abruptly cut off the President's words with an uplifting rendition of
Mel Brook's "Springtime for Hitler and Germany."
"How merrily we headed for catastrophe!"
-- Albert Speer
Bush evidently picked number 17 in the Skull & Bones
The Postmaster General recommended that we wash our hands after
handling the mail, then added:
"There was a turtle by the name of
and Burt the Turtle was very alert.
When danger threatened him, he never got hurt;
he knew just what to do.
He'd duck and cover, duck and cover..."
Cipro we trust."
NBC anchorman Tom Browkaw, shaking his own medication for the camera.
CBS anchorman Dan Rather responded by going on CNN and bragging
that he's not taking Cipro. A real profile in courage -- thanks guys, for
demonstrating the media's worst tendency -- covering itself as if it were the
The Office of Homeland Security?
The squealing vibrato you hear is the giggling of George Orwell as he spins
in his grave.
More Spoon-Fed Crap
Bush doesn't want American media to play bin Laden's rants because he says the
evildoer might be sending secret signals to his operatives here in the homeland.
But even if bin Laden's agents can't watch his coded ear pulling on NBC Nightly
News, they would have no trouble finding him on the Web, or via TV satellite,
since Qatar's Al Jazeera, as well as the BBC, shows the tapes.
Of all the
developed world, only we Americans (who can't afford cable TV anyway) are the
only ones who can't hear what the enemy is saying about us -- his targets.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world
-- Mahatma Gandhi
When you're wounded and left
On Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out,
To cut up your remains,
Just roll on your rifle,
And blow out your brains,
And go to your Gawd
Like a soldier...
Subtlety Need Not Apply
Texas homeland security chief David Dewhurst purchased a full-color,
four-page advertisement in Texas Monthly magazine featuring a
military officer standing in front of a large American flag. The
caption read: "As chairman of the Governor's Task Force on
Homeland Security, David Dewhurst encourages you to support
President Bush and the brave men and women of our Armed Forces as
they fight to eliminate terrorism and work to restore confidence in
our economy." But, the military officer depicted was a member
of the German Luftwaffe, sporting German military decorations and
From the What's New newsletter
Bio-Terrorism: So far, the count is one [actually, now four] dead. Fortunately, those
exposed to anthrax are being diagnosed and treated with the very latest
scientific medicine. They are not being treated by homeopathy, acupuncture,
touch therapy, magnets, reflexology, crystals, chelation, craniosacral therapy,
echinacea, aromatherapy or yohimbe bark. And no one is complaining.
More Scary Talk
"We aren't running out of targets -- Afghanistan is."
-- Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld
(Be sure to go to MixedMedia for Issue 19 to find
the link to Rumsfeld's Quote of the Day from the Department of
And this just in: Until being sworn in as the 21st
Secretary of Defense, Rumsfeld served as Chairman of Gilead
Sciences, Inc. Shares of Gilead are
on the rise since a U.S. health official said one of the company's
drugs is an effective treatment for smallpox. Gilead said it has no
plans to develop the drug commercially for
teach them to drop fire on women and children, but won't let them write fuck on
the aeroplanes because it's obscene."
-- Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now
Et Tu, Andy?
"Look, George W. Bush is your president, and he's my
president. I feel bad about what I said, and I apologize for
--Andy Rooney, the latest American to wimp out (along
with Bill Maher and Jerry Falwell, among many others), instead of
standing up for his right to free speech. Rooney called Bush
"not too smart" for the metaphorical suggestion that
landlocked Afghanistan was providing "safe harbor" for
Ooooo. Bad Andy. Bad.
-- Some guy downtown
Go to Stik
Mann's Mixed Media for Issue 19
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