First the good news: The universe seems to be in pretty good shape. Stars are born. Stars grow cold. Galaxies whirlpool and are gulped up by black holes. It's universal status quo, as it's been for eons, and probably will be for eons more.

But, in one of those billions of galaxies, near one of that galaxy's billions of stars, on a tiny, mostly water-covered rock called Earth, there's trouble brewin'.

There, during the last of the aforementioned eons, as incredible as it may seem, bits of the universe had somehow pieced itself together in such a way as to be able to look back at itself. Many of these star creatures did indeed look back and marvel. Still, some did not look back.

Those downward-looking life forms seem to be behind this mess.
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"May you live in interesting times."
-- Chinese curse
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Bush Crusade
A few days after the terrorist attacks, I sent a letter to The Spokesman-Review concerning Bush's use of the word "crusade" in describing the coming war. They didn't print it. Later, I sent this letter to The Local Planet. They ended up printing only the part I sent to the Review (which I asked them not to do, since Bush had already apologized for it). I thought the letter was better.

[Note: I also started writing a letter about Bush's use of the term "Infinite Justice." But I'll be damned if he didn't apologize for that before I finished the letter.]
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The First Time I Laughed Post-Sept 11
It was during the final, "dog-that-climbs-trees story" on one of the local newscasts: A store had painted a three-acre large American flag on its roof. It was hailed by the media as an amazingly patriotic undertaking. But it struck me as an odd, if not outright ignorant, thing to do -- just days after we'd just been bombed. I have faith that there were at least a few employees there who were wishing the name of the store was Bob's Hardware -- instead of Target.
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"If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking."
-- George S. Patton
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Moo
"I am sitting on my couch, where I’ve been sitting for the past week and a half, stunned and numb from watching great buildings crash and burn, over and over again."

In this paranoiac state I wrote How I Helped George W. Bush Take Over the World by Imitating a Cow.
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"War is how we learn geography."
-- some guy downtown
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About that "Infinite Justice" thing
The Bush team said they changed the name of the operation from "Infinite Justice" to "Enduring Freedom" so as not to offend Muslims, who believe that only God dispenses infinite justice. My question: Where were all of the Christians and Jews? Why were they not waving their arms and shouting, "Hey, what about us? We believe it too!"
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After Bush's press secretary publicly scolded Bill Maher (of the show Politically Incorrect), I sent this Letter to the Editor of The Spokesman-Review. One member of the editorial staff wrote back and said the letter was 50 words over the 250 limit, and gave me the option of editing it myself, or having her do it. Being convinced that the S-R ed staff was stifling criticism of Bush, I certainly asked her to do it, thereby having the opportunity of later printing the original letter, as well as their butchered version, thus documenting their bias. She foiled my scheme by retaining the main points and even the attitude of my letter. Damn. Here's what they printed. (But I still think the original was better.)
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"Human beings will generally exercise power when they can get it, and they will exercise it most undoubtedly in popular governments under pretense of public safety."
-- Daniel Webster
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Satan in Smoke of Burning Tower?
Many viewers spotted the face of the Devil in an AP photo (to the right) of one of the burning towers. Closer examination (below) reveals it not to be the Prince of Darkness, but in fact the mask that would be between the Comedy/Tragedy masks if in fact there was such a mask.
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Almighty God...give me liberty or give me death!"
-- Patrick Henry

I print the above quote because I've read it a thousand times; but it seems strangely different now.
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Subtlety Need Not Apply
Texas homeland security chief David Dewhurst purchased a full-color, four-page advertisement in Texas Monthly magazine featuring a military officer standing in front of a large American flag. The caption read: "As chairman of the Governor's Task Force on Homeland Security, David Dewhurst encourages you to support President Bush and the brave men and women of our Armed Forces as they fight to eliminate terrorism and work to restore confidence in our economy." But, the military officer depicted was a member of the German Luftwaffe, sporting German military decorations and insignias.
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I Ain't Packin' Yet, but...
Those strange flappin' and buzzin' sounds you're hearin' is from all us liberals rereadin' and reconsiderin' that there Second Amendment.
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Fatherly Advice
Stik Mann: Did you know that just a few months ago, Bush was giving $43 million to the Taliban for reducing the cultivation of opium poppies?
James: Well, I --
Stik Mann: And we knew, at the time, that the Taliban had a horrible human rights record -- and that they were harboring terrorists from all over the world.
James: Um...
Stik Mann: Doesn't this mean that the U.S. government is guilty of supporting a country that supports terrorism?
James: Dad, are you suggesting that we bomb ourselves?
Stik Mann: No. But we should surrender.
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Scary Talk
"The best defense is a global offense."
-- President Bush
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I dreamed (10/13) that an evil tyrant had gained control of America (not Bush, this guy was really bad). The true patriots rebelled, flying the American flag upside down-- a sign of distress -- as the symbol of their struggle. Having succeeded in recapturing Washington, they raised their inverted flag above the White House. Then they immediately lowered it, read aloud the Declaration of Independence, and raised it again (click flag).
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I sent this letter to The Local Planet, regarding the extent of the War on Terrorism. (The parts they edited out are in italics.) Here's what they printed.
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The Second Time I Laughed
Local public news station KSFC was broadcasting Bush's news conference, 10/9, when it abruptly cut off the President's words with an uplifting rendition of Mel Brook's "Springtime for Hitler and Germany."
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"How merrily we headed for catastrophe!"
-- Albert Speer
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WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Bush evidently picked number 17 in the Skull & Bones Orwell-Missed-It-By-How-Many-Years pool.
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The Postmaster General recommended that we wash our hands after handling the mail, then added:

"There was a turtle by the name of Burt,
and Burt the Turtle was very alert.
When danger threatened him, he never got hurt;
he knew just what to do.
He'd duck and cover, duck and cover..."
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"In Cipro we trust."
NBC anchorman Tom Browkaw, shaking his own medication for the camera.

CBS anchorman Dan Rather responded by going on CNN and bragging that he's not taking Cipro. A real profile in courage -- thanks guys, for demonstrating the media's worst tendency -- covering itself as if it were the news.
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The Office of Homeland Security? 
The squealing vibrato you hear is the giggling of George Orwell as he spins in his grave.
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More Spoon-Fed Crap
Bush doesn't want American media to play bin Laden's rants because he says the evildoer might be sending secret signals to his operatives here in the homeland. But even if bin Laden's agents can't watch his coded ear pulling on NBC Nightly News, they would have no trouble finding him on the Web, or via TV satellite, since Qatar's Al Jazeera, as well as the BBC, shows the tapes.

Of all the developed world, only we Americans (who can't afford cable TV anyway) are the only ones who can't hear what the enemy is saying about us -- his targets.
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"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"
-- Mahatma Gandhi
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When you're wounded and left
On Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out,
To cut up your remains,
Just roll on your rifle,
And blow out your brains,
And go to your Gawd
Like a soldier...

Rudyard Kipling
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Subtlety Need Not Apply
Texas homeland security chief David Dewhurst purchased a full-color, four-page advertisement in Texas Monthly magazine featuring a military officer standing in front of a large American flag. The caption read: "As chairman of the Governor's Task Force on Homeland Security, David Dewhurst encourages you to support President Bush and the brave men and women of our Armed Forces as they fight to eliminate terrorism and work to restore confidence in our economy." But, the military officer depicted was a member of the German Luftwaffe, sporting German military decorations and insignias.

From the What's New newsletter
Bio-Terrorism: So far, the count is one [actually, now four] dead. Fortunately, those exposed to anthrax are being diagnosed and treated with the very latest scientific medicine. They are not being treated by homeopathy, acupuncture, touch therapy, magnets, reflexology, crystals, chelation, craniosacral therapy, echinacea, aromatherapy or yohimbe bark. And no one is complaining.
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More Scary Talk
"We aren't running out of targets -- Afghanistan is."
-- Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld