The Setup

Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000

from out of the blue...

Phopaw wrote:

Stik Mann wrote:

Okay, I think your toe-dipping into radical secularism has gone a bit too far...

We should plan a trip up north to search for Magoo.

Phopaw wrote:

Hmm, a trip north. You know I'm always game for that. Name a weekend.

Naturally, I'll have to consult with satan first.

Luckily, he has his own search engine now. I wonder if he has hotmail too?

Stik Mann wrote:

Hotmail. Good one.

It's hard for me to get weekends off. I'll look into it.

Satan says indulgence is good. That true? Gives me a tummy ache.

Phopaw wrote:

Yea, I had regrets about the Hotmail crack the minute I clicked Send.

"I'll look into it?" Really? What, and then "we'll have lunch"?

Get off your ass and make it happen, man!

Sorry about your tummy.

Stik Mann wrote:

We'll not only do lunch, we'll power lunch, come up with some concepts, run 'em up the flag pole, see if anyone salutes them.

First weekend of Aug? That's not a holiday or anything, is it?

Who do we need to balance out this expedition? Pat? John? Rick? Maybe we should hire a camera man, and some of the local natives to tote our cargo.

Phopaw wrote:

First weekend of Aug good for me. Rick John Pat all excellent choices. I'll leave the camera man up to you. As far as hiring local natives, how much cargo do you think Roger can tote?

dewD joined the conversation:

Roger that. The first weekend day and the second weekend day in the month of August, year 2000 are known as the fifth and sixth, respectively. As usual, I'll have to runnit by the boss, first, and see if I can bring my detachable penis. But with so much advanced notice --should not be a pro-blammo! Shit, should be coo. But in the tradition of Woodstock and such, shouldn't we name the proposed experience something? I suppose we could just call it Roger.

Phopaw wrote:

First weekend of August good with me to. Let's call it Judy.

Stik Mann wrote:

Matt wants to call the trip "Judy." Jon wants to call it "Roger." I haven't heard from Pat yet but I'm fairly sure he'll say something sarcastic. I want to call the trip "Pantyraid." So, I suggest we call it "Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid."

Any suggestions on where to go? Here are mine:

Salmo Wilderness Area: there's a loop that can easily be done on a weekend with a night spent in the Heart of Darkness.

Somewhere near Salmo mountain there's an old soapstone soft, workable pieces. I remember driving to the mine, but there's probably only a trail now.

Heidi's Tavern: Cultural mecca of north Pend Oreille county. Meet with natives, trade trinkets, ect.

dewD wrote:

It has to be called Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000.

Phopaw wrote:

Pat has been ominously silent throughout this exchange. Which brings to mind a question. Does anyone even know if Pat is still alive?

Stik Mann wrote:

I've had no late-night visit from Pat-like spirit forms wearing chains and threatening me with visits from edifying ghosts who will show me what a good guy I was when I was younger and what a dickhead I am now, so I assume he's alive.

I could call him, I quess.

Arp Xigar joined the conversation:



dewD wrote:

Guys, I have clearance (YAAAAAY, it's truly amazing. I feel so fortunate!!! Long ago I would have said I'd shoot myself for having no nuts. Now I just deal with a life with no nuts by occasionally spending time with the nuts I know, you know?). Matt -- Can you get a half day off the Friday beforehand soze we can blast off? We'll take the bus up -- two days and two nights? Coolio? Anyone heard from Pat's enormous edifice? What about Rick?

Stik Mann wrote:

Before I say what I must say I must say that I am under the influence of extreme pain and legal drugs. I had a tooth pulled a few hours ago and the Novacaine is wearing off rapidly and the pills Herr Doktor gave me wouldn't give a ladybug a buzz. But anyway, I think the name Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000 might offend certain elements of our society and might tend to cause some raised eyebrows if we were to print it on T-shirts or something. Just a thought. I'm thinking something like Shelly Kierkegard's Protected Species' Marathon Gangbang.

So, Pat, are you

Arp Xigar wrote:

first let me say...
I got some reeeel painkillers...
you should have called...

actually from the emails i have (tried) to read
I don't really know what the 'ell is going on...

could you please elucidate?

i think it means
but when/where...who and
what are we goin to do?....

By the way...
the pain killers were for helpin me
"pass a stone".....

so...i think i beat you hands down...
or should i say pants down?????

hey...try to call this week end
have you spoken to darren?

lov ya...
and sorry about the pain...

Phopaw wrote:

I like the name change. However, by dropping the "2000" I think the name lose's a bit of it's hip-techno edge. How about e-Shelly Kierkegard's Protected Species Marathon

dewD wrote:

Well dammit, then how about "Judy Kierkegard's Edificial Gangcrotch 2000?" Then a subheading, "For Those Choosey Mothers." Whatever we do, let's keep a wholesome woman's name at the beginning. Then when we make T-Shirts, we could put on one of those soccer mom models with like, a box of Kix or a jar of Jif (Choosey mothers choose Jif).

I love choosey mothers.

We need to finalize the name one of these days. And oh yeah, good to know Pat is alive. Hey Pat, you have a name for this?

Stik Mann wrote:

Jon, it's very interesting that you would think Judy Kierkegaard is a "wholesome women's name." I imagine a pasty white, middle-aged alcoholic who instructs her children that there is a God but He DOESN"T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU!

Pat's in for the trip. Just talked to him.

dewD wrote:

Just seems like Judy would be the Barbara Billingsly high heels in the afternoon floating in the kitchen type, who never spoke a sour word and often found herself confused. Yet, in the third drawer down behind the mixer her husband bought her years ago, is a small package of pills . . . found later by the city police, who carefully planted a gun without serial numbers in her hand. Meanwhile, Mayor Carlson gives a public address, "it was probably my fault" he says.

Stik Mann wrote:

Are we still on for the first weekend of August?

Who can drive? I checked with Forest Service: road to Salmo mountain is well-maintained (honest, Matt). Pat is having doubts that his testicle is large enough for Salmo Basin hike (note his new HotMale address). Any other ideas? We could just find a campsite, get drunk as pigs, take a guitar and sing baudy songs, make Spam carvings, etc.

dewD wrote:

I figured out a new saying for gay gangsters: "Yo, watchit or I'll bust a nutt in your ass."

I'm still on. Drunk as pigs. Talking bout the pigs. The goddamned pigs. Pigs in Zen. Thanks.

Stik Mann wrote:

Dear Pat,

Here's the link to the topo map of Salmo Basin:

Look again at the scale of the map: I greatly overestimated when I said it was a 20 mile hike; it's more like six or seven -- and we'd probably do over half of that (downhill) the first day. Also, the next day's two or three mile "uphill" hike is an elevation rise of only a few hundred feet, which is like a walk in the park. You probably do more than that just walking back and forth to the watercooler each day at work.

On the map, find Salmo mountain. The black line leading to it is a well-maintained, dirt road. A mile or so before the top of the mountain is a trailhead, where the lines become dashes (the trail). The trail goes from trailhead, down a mile or so to the Salmo River (which I believe is more a creek than a river), follows the river for a few miles, then slopes back up toward the trailhead

Consider our plight, Pat. The likelihood of us coming back with any trophy panties is greatly diminished by your absence.

Arp Xigar wrote:

First let me just state for the record...
oy vey...

now let's talk about roaming charges...
I fully admit my limitations have increased of the
period of daze with my trips to the "water cooler"
remeber I am now a "cude cow":
chewin my headphone...browsin the ie...pullin my...for milk...
okay skip the last...
my real concern is that i am out of shape...
(and yes I AM OUT OF SHAPE)...
this means=I am lazy...i am bitchy on hot daze..
and i think that weekend i'll be cramping...
wah wah hoo hoo...
okay so i also whine..
steve i REALLY feel uncertain about this trip to wilderness land
who's got a gun?...
oh yeh pepper spray==well i'll taste good at least.

Phopaw wrote:

I'm in for a bit of a camp, but I can't get up to Spokane 'til Friday night at the earliest & I gotta come home sunday. So whatever we do up in metaline's gotta involve one night only for me. I'm not sure about hiking 6-7 miles in one day & out the next. Am I the only one feeling lazy here?

dewD wrote:

You really want me to walk some 14 miles? What are you smokin these days? Crack? How about a trip to the river and back. I'll bring my pole. It's a large pole -- enormous, actually, I've heard people comment. They mildly whisper to each other, "my, that man has a huge pole!" We'll eat fish. I'll cook them in a fire for ya. Somebody bring vegatables, someone else bring 3-4 gals of water, someone some wood, and I'll bring the butter. I know what your thinking -- what about a video camera? Right? No cameras please. But lots of JD.

You were thinking of camping in the wilderness? That sounds cool, actually. Lemme know where to buy some crack. Crack. Hah. What a funny word. Heh heheh heh heh heh (Bevis).

Thanks, Jon

Arp Xigar wrote:

Steve, hello...steve...
do you hear the voice of father time?
is the palpatation of your internal clock beating less each day?
how I envy you...
oh sure it's nice to touch the inner core of high metabolic performance
you push your limits on your (very) long walks...(extremely) longer bike

oh you must feel young again...
"young again"?
you olde fart--young requires activity..
the other members of this small,tiny, itsy-bitsy group
(size does not matter)
are reeling to sounds of joints creaking...strange foreign matter
growing from certain points of skin...really bizarre bowel
BMW/SAABS/YUGOs provide a lifeline to the short trips to the mail box
for simple human junk advertisements...

Oy, dare I say I see shuffleboard on the horizon?
how about a nice intense game of golf--i'll drive the cart?...

Steve, I am older wiser and i need salves for my hemmoroids...
love kisses...

Stik Mann wrote:

Rage, rage against the dying of the light...

Phopaw wrote:

arp arp.

Gentlemen, the first weekend of august looms like a gigantic breast, promising to bathe us in a milky film of comradery and brotherly love.

So are we going or what? Once there, what will we do? Are we still going backpacking? Shall we meet at Steve's friday nite?

Stik Mann wrote:

How about this: we meet at my house and leave directly for Campground 2 on the Sullivan Creek road (on the same map I think)-- and, IT'S LOCATED RIGHT OFF THE ROAD!!! We could be there by the fall of night. It would be a decent base camp for next day excursions to Salmo Mountain, haunted Soapstone mines, Gypsy Meadows, etc.

What say ye, lads? Shall we eat and drink and boast of wenches in foreign ports? Shall we feel cool mountain air blowing through what we have left of our hair? Shall we seek out hidden knowlege via drunken, fireside discourse?

Adventure is at hand. Do I hear an AMEN!!!

Phopaw wrote:

Hallelujah!! Car camping is good.

I may be bringing a british fellow I met here in the Tri-Cities. He purty interestin'. Likes makin' world wide web pages for his work. Likes usin' his camera to take purty pitchers of stuff. Sorta sarcastic. Talks kinda funny, bein' from England and all.

Jon, still interested in carpooling...?

Haunted Soapstone Mine? Suddenly I'm a Hardy Boy. "The Ghost of Soapstone Mine." "The Treasure at Gypsy Meadows."


Norm joined the conversation:

Jolly well excuse me, my good chap. I'll have you know that I speak The Queen's English the way it was properly intended and furthermore, I know what the letter 'u' is for.


Stik Mann wrote:

Mr. Carr,

May I formally welcome you to the Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000. Perhaps an international influence will insure our bagging of trophy panties.

Can I assume you'll be bringing the freeze-dried blood pudding for the entire crew?

dewD wrote:

Sure on the carpool -- sounds good -- say when.

Ah've been out-a town sum lately -- sorra -- been out in them thar backwoods and ah picked up an ac -- an ac -- er, uh dam speach impediment. How wevver, I feel I be speakin some mahty good ehnglesh mahself there, little buddy. Fac, sum in these parts calls it Billa's ehnglesh. Billa is my brother. He taought me a tre-yack: Lemme show youze mah butcrack whilst eyes move yer fridge.

Shank ya, Big Billa

(PS: We've already loaded the banjos and Burt Reynolds)

Stik Mann wrote:

I get to be Burt Reynolds. Hmmm, who can we get to be Ned Beatty?

Arp Xigar wrote:

So now we are goin on a kampin trip...
hoo ha
maybe we could build a
sweat tent and bond with exotic
slapp me with herbal branches...

dewD wrote:

Dun da DUN da DUN da DUN da DUN . . .

Is Rick coming?

Stik Mann wrote:

I don't know if anyone has asked Rick to go. I haven't talked to him since he threatened to bust my computer with a baseball bat for printing a letter in The OTHER Spokane that he wrote to me. Still, I kinda miss his lovable mug and wish he'd go. Someone else ask him.

Anyone else with a predisposition for perloining prize panties should also be asked.

By the way, I hope I didn't offend our Brit friend with the "blood pudding" crack. I thought I was showing restraint by holding back on any Revolutionary War jokes. And besides, if Fate has its way, the movie "The Patriot" will be playing at Roger's theater (theatre) that weekend.

Roger joined the conversation:

Two points:

One) That's 'purloining'.

Two) Fate's a wonderful thing: Playing the Clark Fork Theater 8/3 - 8/7 is..."The Patriot". If your Brit is too offended, point out that I have one of the burnt American flags from "The Mailman". If he likes, I'll allow him to mock it.

dewD wrote:

Matt? I think you should ask Rick. Steve's afraid of getting beaten with a bat. (Wait, does this sound absurd?)

It'd be neat to see Rick, and he could bring his bottle of Jim Beam .

Steve: I'd like to hear some revolutionary war jokes. I don't know any. (I can take it man, really, even though I'm like 1/3 English myself.)

Thanks, Jon

Phopah wrote:

Jon, you're 1/3 English? I'm like 1/4 English! Maybe me, you and Norm are all somehow related to to Princess Di! Kinda makes you sad, huh? Her being dead and us maybe being related to her.

I don' wanna ask Rick. He always says no. Hurts my feelings. Takes weeks of therapy to wear off. Pat, you ask him.

Norm, Steve said he was sorry. Now quit being such a baby and speak up, dammit. Even though it's primarily the Germans who eat blood puddin', we know you brits are a bunch of pasty freaks capable of concocting equally repulsive dishes.

Stik Mann wrote:

I'm sure I heard Daphne mention blood pudding on "Frasier." I'm standing my ground.

Phopaw wrote:

Okay, so maybe the brits eat it too. Too bad we don't have a real live brit to ask. I guess we'll simply have to trust the crack research staff at Frasier.

Whatever the truth, I think we all agree that brits are pasty freaks capable of concocting repulsive dishes.

Norm wrote:

Why do you think Indian restaurants are such a success in the UK? (ever get the feeling a conversation has passed you by?)

Stik Mann wrote:

I yield again to Frasier: "Oh, baby, I hear the blues a callin', tossed salad and scrambled eggs."

Blues, tossed salad, scrambled eggs -- God, I love this country.

dewD wrote:

So you're English too Matt? I guess that makes you my cousin. Let's not marry (no offense). I feel my English roots -- I only like my toast done on one side. By the way -- how do you toast only one side? Do the English have special toasters? Perhaps their toaster plugs have only one prong. If only there was an honest bloke I could speak with . . . Speaking of another missing prong: Pat, we're all waiting for you to ask Rick to go along. He's hurt Matt's feelings and Steve is afraid for his life. Besides, doesn't he owe you like 50 bucks?

Thanks, Jon

Stik Mann wrote:

This might be a mathematically or genealogically naive guestion, but, how does someone come to be 1/3 of anything?

Also, can an American be part Canadian?

What if I'm part-something from a country that no longer exists, or from one that has changed its name, what happens then?

We're all crumpet-munching, tea-swilling Eurofolk, only we Yanks refined it into bagel-munching and espresso-swilling.

Knowing this, can't we all e-join hands and put aside our petty differences and nationistic tendencies and strive to make a world based on peace, love, trust and common decency?

Or are ya all a bunch of pussies?

dewD wrote:

Can't we all just get along?

To answer your question, Steve: I believe my mom is 3/4 English (Bunker -- which actually originally French "Bon Coeur. I guess the French then emigrated to England and it became Bunker -- meaning bomb shelter) and Duke (which either means closed fisted fighting or English royalty -- I prefer combining the two meanings). My father is either pure German or 3/4 German -- with the last name Welge, which is a derivative of an old German word meaning cloud (My German Grandfather was a Furniture Maker and my Great Grandfather was a sheephearder -- not sure of the significance there). My first name is actually Jonathan -- a mostly English name. I believe my lineage makes me 1/3 English, 1/3 German and 1/3 Unknown, roughly (I think 3/8ths to be exact). However, I'm mostly intouch with my unknown side: Mutt.

What I want to know is, does being born in England make a person English the way being born in America makes a person an American? Heck, seems like living in America for a while can cause even the most culturally aware people to forget their geography enough to be considered American.

I have a friend who is pure Canadian. But he steals a lot. Told me a joke once -- what do you get when you cross a Canadian and a Mormon? A basement full of stolen groceries.

Love, Jon

Norm wrote:

Looking at the pile of mail mounting up in my in-box and feeling guilty at not getting back to you folks sooner... sorry... <insert standard excuse about work and deadlines and stuff here>

Re: Offending the English, that someone mentioned however many messages back. This Englishman isn't offended by anything very easily, I hope. And certainly nothing in these exchanges. No hard feelings and all that. So there.

Anyhow, about cultural differences and suchlike.

In my short time living in the US, I've begun to develop the notion that one of the biggest differences from the UK is that US culture is remarkably (from a European perspective) unable or unwilling to laugh at itself. Certain institutions seem to be too sacred to parody. The flag, the constitution, the supreme court (maybe they should have all been capitalised). This isn't the case in Europe. Writers, comedians, satirists, cartoonists, artists seem able to consider the highest institutions and laws fair game, without fear of lynch-mob, knee-jerk rebuke.

Phopaw wrote:

Well, if it will improve your impression of Americans, Norm, we'll bring an American flag and you can laugh at it and then write about it without using capital letters. We'll all be good sports and pretend it doesn't secretly enrage us--you laughin' at our flag and stuff.

Hey, by the way. Are we going this weekend, or next?

Stik Mann wrote:


Phopaw wrote:

That was a rather terse reply. Are you mad about the blood pudding thing? I didn't mean to question your knowledge. You've obviously done a lot of research into the matter, I mean, besides watching Frasier. If you're feeling hurt, please share.

Stik Mann wrote:

Matt, I'm touched by your concern.

Actually all of my knowledge about blood pudding DOES come from Frasier. Perhaps I should have used the reference "Shepherd Pie."

My "terse reply" can be explained by the simple nature of your question, "Are we going this weekend, or next?". If you would have asked, "Do you accept the doctrine of The Trinity, or not?" or even "Who was better in their prime: Michael Jordon or Kareem Abdul Jabbar?" then perhaps I would have went into more detail.

Phopaw wrote:


Stik Mann wrote:

Dammit, Matt. I was sure you would write back and ask simply, "So, do you accept the doctrine of the Trinity, or not?" And I could simply write back, "No."

You've outwitted me this time with your "Jordan" my friend. But now I'm on guard.

Rick joined the conversation:

Steve, what the hell is a JR's PR 2000,? Why am I hearing about it from Pat? Who the hell is this Brit friend.

By the way, I cut off my right index finger Saturday, with a fence post driver.

Stik Mann wrote:

Rick, Jr's SP 2000 is the Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000. We're goin' campin'-- first full weekend in August, which I think is next week. We (Me, Matt, Jon, Pat and a British guy named Norm) all think you should go.

You cut off your finger?! Your trigger finger? Your reeling-in finger? Damn, that's gotta hurt. How the hell did you type this? I remember your typing. Without your right index finger the entire right side of the keyboard would be inoperable.

Think about coming with us, if you can. If not, we'll talk about you (which could be either a compliment or a threat).

dewD wrote:

Yay! Rick -- glad to get a hold of you. Sorry about your finger. That's gotta suck, but hey, it could only help your golf game (sorry). Seriously -- I bet that is quite the surreal experience for you. I can't imagine.

Phopaw wrote:

Hello all:

Now that everyone has met Norm, the pasty brit who loves blood pudding and hates Americans, I would like to introduce another who will be joining us in our quest for panties.

He calls himself Tim. He enjoys good beer and witty banter. He loaned me a Tom Robbins book one time. That proves he is smart. He gave a Schopenhauer reading for the talent show at our company Christmas party last year. That proves he engages in antisocial behavior. Later that evening, he shared passages from his Schopenhauer book with world-class figure skater Kurt Browning. That proves he was heavily intoxicated. He is also Irish in descent, so maybe him and Norm will fight.

Jon, Can you take four? I'm thinking we leave TC around 3. Steve, how far is the campsite from Spokane?

Rick, sorry about your finger.

Norm wrote:

Did I say that? ...some of my best friends are American!

Phopaw wrote: never actually said that. ....sorry...I guess I just made it up to get attention. Won't happen again.

dewD wrote:

The more panty waving, mindly chaps the merrier, I always say, so long as I can get a ringside seat when Tim and Norm start talking religion. YEAH BABY! (no bombs please) Seriously -- four is no problemmo! Now this is 3pm Friday, correctomondo? Lemme know -- don't worry about the space, I've been told that my car can accomodate even the biggest loads and still deliver a pleasurable jaunt.

Hummada schmumada shmum dum?

And what about fire wood. Would anybody mind if I, he he he, broought, he he, an AXE?????

Thanks, Jon

Stik Mann wrote:

Tim: Welcome aboard. I'm sorry, I don't remember Schopenhauer saying anything. He just played while Snoopy danced on the piano.

Matt: Huzzah for recruiting the new raider. The campground is about 100 miles from Spokane. It's possible that it could be filled, but I doubt it. Either way, I trust that everyone understands that each will have to personally deal with terra firma. There are no cabins or cots or chubby counselors with bad complexions named Gus.

Jon: Hummada schmumada shmum dum.

Norm: You're gonna love Heidi's Tavern.

Rick: Well?

Pat: Pat? Pat?

Gentlemen, I hope we can all agree to conduct ourselves on the honor system: no sneaking in of your wife's and/or girlfriend's panties and trying to claim that you found them hanging on a branch. Panties must be obtained by begging, lying, cheating or the traditional thievery.

Coming Soon: Snapshots from the Judy Roger's Sarcastic Pantyraid 2000

Return to Stik Mann's OtherSpokane

Stik Mann's OtherSpokane and all content within
Copyright 2000, Steven J. St.George (unless otherwise noted).