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Paranoid-Critical Letters

Cheddar Chatter

It has come to my attention that some people think I am mad. This list must include my wife, my family, several doctors and my closest friends in order to be thorough. Therefore it is my duty to put to the lie these allegations and squeeze the excess liquid of slander from my soul's cottage cheese. Using the cheesecloth of truth, I am willing to put the gentle curd of my life's whey into the harrowing fermentation process that all the world's cheese must eventually face.

C Sharp

Cheesy, C. Very cheesy.

Hell Phones

It's already in full swing. Those people who want to manage every single aspect of our lives you know who I mean are whining that we shouldn't use our cell phones while driving. I suspect that this latest eruption of control freakiness started after the article in the New England Journal of Medicine back in 1997, pointing out that talking on cell phones while driving makes one 4.3 times as likely to cause an accident, making it as big a menace as driving drunk. Well, pardon me, but I just don't believe Mr. Oh-I'm-So-Great-'Cause-I've-Been-Around-Since-1812 New England Journal of Medicine. Remember, New England gave us the Salem witch trials, John Sununu, gummy fish chowder, and far more Kennedys than is decent.

B Bop

Hang on, B. Going through a tunnel.

Significant Vertices

Dear editor:

If you please, define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.


Will this be on the test?



The other night I was sitting in front of my computer for hours. My girlfriend came into the room and said, "Dude, your eyes are solid red from staring into that screen. Do something else." So I shut off the computer and watched some television. Do I have a problem?


Depends on what was on TV.

No Soap?


As of January 8, 2000, I can still say that I haven't showered since the last millennium. Would you like to receive further updates?


Well, sure, but let's keep this an e-mail relationship.

Received prior to Jan. 1, Y2K

This Is the Title of This Letter, Which Is Also Found in the Letter Itself

This is the first sentence of this letter to the editor. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this letter, which is also found in the letter itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential letter, that is, a letter containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to this letter.

Mr. Picky Guy

Hey, Guy. This is The OTHER's obligatory smart-ass reply that follows all letters.


Dear Sir,

Your new e-zine seems open to bold and innovative ideas. I hope you will consider mine.

I am a bloated, middle-aged, sleazy, pornography dealer from the "big city". A link to my website would bring you a few pennies a month and would help me in my quest to turn this fine country into a nation of lonely losers sitting in darkened rooms masterbating like monkeys in front of their computers.

Can I count on you to help me bring my vision to fruition?

Bloated Porndealer
The Big City


What It Is


In the section "Soulstuff" you declare the pages open to the this and that of "religious truth".

What is truth?


Not gonna touch that one right now, Mr. P.

Horseback Riding


I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.


You're not alone out there, T.

The Guide

Stik Mann,

Your guardian angel spurned me, I already talk like Elmer Fudd, and I lost my balls two weeks ago in a poker game. I have recently developed, "The Beer Drinker's Guide to Purchasing Rounds." If I can figure out how to send a file I will pass it on.



A Subtle Reminder


On the advent of your new e-rag, I think it would be wise to remember the words of Frank Zappa:

"She's my Teenage Baby, and she turns me on,
I'd like to make her do a nasty
On the White House Lawn!
Gonna smother my daughter in chocolate syrup,
And boogie till the cows come home!"

Don't push me, slimebags. You artsy types make me wanna poop.


Brown shoes don't make it, mus.

Supreme Being Update

As the new milenium approaches, we at Christian vs Atheist Club (CvsA) are very fortunate to have the real Supreme Being as a member of our club.

Last night I received not one, not two, but 89 emails with information about the Supreme Being.

I don't know who sent these, but they are merely a series of dots like periods with no variations in spaces or anything else that I can see.

I am awaiting instructions on how to decode them and then I will share the information with all of you.

An interesting note, these emails could not be replied to, they had no sender's email address on them, they disappeared instantly once I copied them onto my hard drive, and now I cannot select them to copy them anywhere.

It is either the work of a skilled computer expert, even though an expert that I know had no idea how it could be done, or it is real...

The mystery is unfolding daily here in CvsA.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we would turn out to be the first contact point with an extraterrestrial life form, one that is the most powerful force in the universe, and does not want tseself considered as a diety!

I am waiting...

Hey BCS, ..................if...................................................and brimstone...............................................................................................return..............

Re: Returned Check/Collections


Due to a collection problem, your check has been returned for insufficient funds. As per our policy for delinquent payments, we have referred your case to our meatpackaging subdivision. It is their job to remind our customer of the appreciation and continuation of that universal enjoyment we call existence on this plain of reality...

However, some of the more hardy members of the human race have, for their own reason, decided that traveling to the other side of the veil is a more enjoyable prospect.

We (heretofore know as "THOSE BASTARDS") are always willing to let others "see the light" when it is in the best interest of future operations...preferably ours.

So unless a proper incentive (a.k.a The Big Bucks) is promptly sent with our usual bounced check service charge of $3,189.36, then we request your presence at the nearest cement and glue factory for further discussion.

With heartfelt sincerity and our condolences to the next-of-kin

Arp, you might have had me goin' there for a minute; but, you signed the letter, dude. Think about it.

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