Paranoid-Critical Letters
Cheddar
Chatter
It has come to my attention that
some people think I am mad. This list must include my
wife, my family, several doctors and my closest friends
in order to be thorough. Therefore it is my duty to put
to the lie these allegations and squeeze the excess
liquid of slander from my soul's cottage cheese. Using
the cheesecloth of truth, I am willing to put the gentle
curd of my life's whey into the harrowing fermentation
process that all the world's cheese must eventually face.
C Sharp
Cheesy, C. Very cheesy.
Hell
Phones
It's already in full swing. Those
people who want to manage every single aspect of our
lives – you know who I mean – are whining that
we shouldn't use our cell phones while driving. I suspect
that this latest eruption of control freakiness started
after the article in the New England Journal of Medicine
back in 1997, pointing out that talking on cell phones
while driving makes one 4.3 times as likely to cause an
accident, making it as big a menace as driving drunk.
Well, pardon me, but I just don't believe Mr. Oh-I'm-So-Great-'Cause-I've-Been-Around-Since-1812
New England Journal of Medicine. Remember, New England
gave us the Salem witch trials, John Sununu, gummy fish
chowder, and far more Kennedys than is decent.
B Bop
Hang on, B. Going through a
tunnel.
Significant
Vertices
Dear editor:
If you please, define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate
your result to five significant vertices.
GeneE
Will this be on the test?
ReDie24
Stik,
The other night I was sitting in front of my
computer for hours. My girlfriend came into the room and
said, "Dude, your eyes are solid red from staring
into that screen. Do something else." So I shut off
the computer and watched some television. Do I have a
problem?
StromBosis
Depends on what was on TV.
No Soap?
Hi,
As of January 8, 2000, I can
still say that I haven't showered since the last
millennium. Would you like to receive further updates?
Arty
Well, sure, but let's keep
this an e-mail relationship.
Received
prior to Jan. 1, Y2K
This Is
the Title of This Letter, Which Is Also Found in the
Letter Itself
This is the first sentence of this letter to
the editor. This is the second sentence. This is the
title of this letter, which is also found in the letter
itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value
of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform
you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this
is a self-referential letter, that is, a letter
containing sentences that refer to their own structure
and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending
to this letter.
Mr. Picky Guy
Spokane
Hey, Guy. This is The OTHER's obligatory
smart-ass reply that follows all letters.
SEXXXBARELYLEGALSEXXXKINKYSEXXX
Dear Sir,
Your new e-zine seems open to bold and
innovative ideas. I hope you will consider mine.
I am a bloated, middle-aged, sleazy,
pornography dealer from the "big city". A link
to my website would bring you a few pennies a month and
would help me in my quest to turn this fine country into
a nation of lonely losers sitting in darkened rooms
masterbating like monkeys in front of their computers.
Can I count on you to help me bring my vision
to fruition?
Bloated Porndealer
The Big City
No
What It
Is
Sir,
In the section "Soulstuff" you
declare the pages open to the this and that of "religious
truth".
What is truth?
ppilate
Unknown
Not gonna touch that one right now, Mr. P.
Horseback
Riding
Sir,
I had a near death experience that has changed
me forever. The other day I went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started
bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to
hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse,
my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened,
I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to
bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or
even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and
unplugged it.
Tonto
Spokane
You're not alone out there, T.
The Guide
Stik Mann,
Your guardian angel spurned me, I already talk
like Elmer Fudd, and I lost my balls two weeks ago in a
poker game. I have recently developed, "The Beer
Drinker's Guide to Purchasing Rounds." If I can
figure out how to send a file I will pass it on.
Tom
Ummm...
A Subtle
Reminder
Stik,
On the advent of your new e-rag, I think it
would be wise to remember the words of Frank Zappa:
"She's my Teenage Baby, and she turns
me on,
I'd like to make her do a nasty
On the White House Lawn!
Gonna smother my daughter in
chocolate syrup,
And boogie till the cows come home!"
Don't push me, slimebags. You artsy types make
me wanna poop.
Anonymusn't
Spokane
Brown shoes don't make it, mus.
Supreme
Being Update
As the new milenium approaches, we at
Christian vs Atheist Club (CvsA) are very fortunate to
have the real Supreme Being as a member of our club.
Last night I received not one, not two, but 89
emails with information about the Supreme Being.
I don't know who sent these, but they are
merely a series of dots like periods with no variations
in spaces or anything else that I can see.
I am awaiting instructions on how to decode
them and then I will share the information with all of
you.
An interesting note, these emails could not be
replied to, they had no sender's email address on them,
they disappeared instantly once I copied them onto my
hard drive, and now I cannot select them to copy them
anywhere.
It is either the work of a skilled computer
expert, even though an expert that I know had no idea how
it could be done, or it is real...
The mystery is unfolding daily here in CvsA.
Wouldn't it be amazing if we would turn out to
be the first contact point with an extraterrestrial life
form, one that is the most powerful force in the universe,
and does not want tseself considered as a diety!
I am waiting...
BrainDeadSlut
Hey BCS, ..................if...................................................and
brimstone...............................................................................................return..............
Re:
Returned Check/Collections
Sir,
Due to a collection problem, your check has
been returned for insufficient funds. As per our policy
for delinquent payments, we have referred your case to
our meatpackaging subdivision. It is their job to remind
our customer of the appreciation and continuation of that
universal enjoyment we call existence on this plain of
reality...
However, some of the more hardy members of the
human race have, for their own reason, decided that
traveling to the other side of the veil is a more
enjoyable prospect.
We (heretofore know as "THOSE BASTARDS")
are always willing to let others "see the light"
when it is in the best interest of future operations...preferably
ours.
So unless a proper incentive (a.k.a The Big
Bucks) is promptly sent with our usual bounced check
service charge of $3,189.36, then we request your
presence at the nearest cement and glue factory for
further discussion.
With heartfelt sincerity and our condolences
to the next-of-kin
XIGAR
Arp, you might have had me goin' there for
a minute; but, you signed the letter, dude. Think about
it.
Back to Stik Mann's
OtherSpokane
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